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025. [Apr. 18th, 2011 | 08:44 pm]
I'm a very happy person, but I'm also a very sad person.

when I'm around people, I'm definitely at my best. even when I'm upset, I try not to show it, not because I'm a private person, but because I don't want anyone to judge me forever, simply based on a moment of weakness.

I have minor depression, but I'm not on anything simply because I think I can power through this alone. and by alone, I mean alone. my family doesn't see me enough to understand properly, my friends are being left in the dark -- and the ones who do know, don't seem to fully understand what's happening because they still end up talking about everything like it's normal, and it's not. and they still talk about themselves 99% of the time and don't even comfort me if I need it, and they just say "that's too bad" and move on and think that just because the word "minor" is in the diagnosis, it is not a problem.

and the people who don't know about it, they continue to insult me and call me a liar and are hard on me for liking the things I like, for having the hobbies I have, for making friends that are different instead of like everyone else. and they think it's no big deal, that it's okay to speak their minds the way they do, but the hurtful things they say are just 10 times worse than if I was healthy. and even if I wasn't sick, these are still not things they should be saying in the first place. because they're mean people, and they don't even realize it.

and then because I can only tell these things to the internet, they judge me, post other things about me but without using my name, say how dramatic I am (when the last thing I've always been is dramatic), try to define me based on my recent performance, my recent attitudes, my recent lack of energy. and some of these people are new friends, judging me already, when they don't know the first thing about me. and then other people are moving on, not even bothering to check on me at all, even though they know everything. and they go off and make new lives and leave me behind and don't even care, and when we talk they just shrug and look away and have nothing to say and then they just keep interrupting me, speaking louder and louder until my words just drown out and become nothingness, pure nothingness--

so here I am, sitting in my apartment, depressed as always, but still quiet (so so quiet) because if I say a single word about it, they will judge me, ask me blunt questions, say that this isn't actual depression, this is me being moody -- but that's not true at all, and there are more symptoms than just feeling down, and I've made hospital visits and calls and just because I don't tell you about it, it doesn't make it any less real.

but it's not going away, and the one time I really need people around me, to keep me happy, is the time they all start to let me down.
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024. [Apr. 17th, 2011 | 01:32 am]
[place |tangled in your sheets.]
[music |I know I'll need her til the stars all burn away.]

hahahahaha I love when we talk because it makes me realize how annoying you are. and then I feel better about not being close to you anymore. good riddance!

go ahead and treat me like I'm nothing, I couldn't give a rat's ass about you. it's sad that this is what it's boiled down to, but to be honest, the way you've been acting for the past forever is just further proof that you weren't who I thought you were, and it only proves that I'm better off without you around. you don't care about me, you probably never really did, and you know what? that's fine. because if you really DID care, you'd make the effort instead of being the self-centered, arrogant asshole you're suddenly becoming.

get off your high horse, because all the people who praise you and boost your ego and make you feel so fucking special--

news flash, they don't know a THING about you. they don't know who you really are, they just see what you want them to see. and if you know me at all, you'll know how much I hate anything or anyone who is fake. and really, you're as fake as they come.

be a friend like you said you were, and don't just come to me when it's convenient to you. I'm a person, yknow, so fuck you.

I'm a really great person. don't you even care?
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023. [Mar. 1st, 2011 | 07:29 pm]
[place |a motorcade of flatbed trucks.]
[music |I folded my devotion to an origami rose.]

dear boy #1:

I am so over it. I am so over YOU. I've BEEN over you for FOREVER, so get your head out of your ass, stop thinking it's always about you, and get over yourself. I'm trying to make things better, the least you could do is show me a little respect once in a while. quit treating me like a crazy bitch who follows you around and stalks you and can't let you go, because SERIOUSLY, you are the last person on my mind and I'm just trying to be friends with everyone.

so yeah, while you figure out your issues, FUCK YOU.

--

dear boy #2:

if you aren't going to take everything seriously, if you're not going to pay attention, if you're not going to show up, if you're going to be significantly late every single time, if you're going to slack off and not do the work you have to do, if you're going to insult everyone who's here to teach you and make you better, if you're going to insult everyone who's learning just like you are, if you're aren't going to practice, if you're going to say that nothing is good enough for you, if you're going to waste your time and money on things you don't need, if you're going to prioritize the things that don't matter, if you're going to say how wonderful you are and how talented you are and how everyone else is just INCOMPETENT even though you're actually the one who doesn't even have what it takes...

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE? because there are hundreds of people who want what you have, who want to be here, and you're just wasting everyone's time.

--

dear boys #3, 4, 5:

I am not interested in you. I don't even know you, and you don't even know me. just because I have a few of the same interests, just because I'm nice to everyone and really outgoing, it does NOT mean I am flirting with you. it does not mean I see you as anything more than a potential friend -- or, let's be honest, someone to simply network with. so why don't you just get to know me as a person, as a GIRL, first, before you start getting my phone number and calling me all the time and texting me for stupid things and facebooking me until I respond to you and sitting next to me for 3 hours when you don't even have to fucking be here. you just make me uncomfortable. so why don't you just back off a little and let me do my own thing. I just want to be left alone. I'm not interested in anybody whatsoever (not even the boy I was hooking up with) so what makes you think I'm even remotely interested in a stranger?!

I am single because I want to be, not because I'm waiting for a pushy asshole like YOU.
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022. [Feb. 27th, 2011 | 12:27 am]
[place |into the green of the radar.]
[music |slipping steadily into madness, now that's the only place to be free.]

things that are on my mind:

01. why has february been such a circus-themed month?
water for elephants. la strada. 8 1/2. elephant man. beatles LOVE. etc.

02. I can't handle battle royale, and yet I'm reading it nonstop.
it makes me feel nauseous, which is really rare, but richard is making me read it and lucky for him, I'm hooked.

03. have I really seen 10 12 woody allen films?!
annie hall. manhattan. vicky cristina barcelona. crimes and misdemeanors. cassandra's dream. match point. zelig. husbands and wives. bullets over broadway. play it again sam. etc. (edit: purple rose of cairo + interiors.)

04. procrastination has taken over my life.
and I'm not a huge procrastinator to begin with -- I do my homework a week in advance. two papers to write tomorrow (today?) and one movie to watch and the oscars are very important and CANNOT BE MISSED.

05. speaking of which: the oscars.
if black swan does not win anything huge, I will lose all faith in the academy. aronofsky should NOT be cast aside yet again! and it would just be swell if an indie film won this year.


06. I apologize to all my readers because I was really planning on posting something yesterday.
so so so much to do, no time to do it. almost finished my piece, and have been working on it almost every night, but I couldn't meet my own deadline. had a crazy week and I didn't even go out much for once, but I DID see Prince and was actually more entertained than I thought I'd be.

07. all I want to do is read.
no time. again. been doing some work on my images from months ago, been trying to update my music library (new bright eyes album!! so gooooood~)

08. my bookshelf is so full <3
borders branches are closing left and right and I just can't resist a good book sale. also bookstores are getting me too into coffee. but I study all the time in bookstores and it's so so so relaxing (:

09. being single is lovely~
I can do whatever the fuck I want without having to worry about feelings and about the way I'm treated and about commitment. lovely lovely lovely!

10. this was meant to be a quick entry.
but it's been a while and I have so much to say. oopsy daisy.
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021. [Feb. 10th, 2011 | 12:20 am]
[place |under there, underwear?]
[music |here's to all the pretty girls you're gonna meet.]

planning on ending things with this guy, it's just not something I want right now I guess. also he's been a bit pushy lately, which is soooo not okay. on the other hand, I have a secret admirer and I will be getting surprises left for me over the next few days (apparently). happy valentine's day to me! if this isn't a prank, anyway. in which case, who cares, because I'm getting free stuff so HA!
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private, public, private. [Feb. 9th, 2011 | 01:23 am]
it is not okay to judge people without giving them a chance. first impressions do not count. just because someone lives their life differently, it does not make them an awful person. everyone has flaws, but the point is to get over them and appreciate each person for their good qualities instead of focusing on the bad.

the rule of thumb is this: do not automatically assume that you know the whole story. there is always more to it, and most of the time it's something that can't be explained. give other people the benefit of the doubt. there is a reason some information is concealed, and if you really want to know the truth behind everything, you have to put in an effort. you cannot judge someone based on the littlest bit of information.

it is also not okay to judge a person based on another person's view of them. we are all individuals with independent thought, and everyone is allowed to make their own opinion by themselves. everything is a he-said-she-said, so if you weren't there, you can't say you know 100% what the situation is, because it didn't happen to you. so instead of taking sides, try going into it neutrally before you hurt everyone else's feelings. jumping to conclusions has never really worked in the end.

it is okay to feel the things you feel, but it is not okay to take it out on the people around you. there are better ways to deal with this. communication is important. at the same time, we should not dictate each other's lives. everyone is allowed to surround themselves with the type of people they want to be around (and this goes for everyone: for me, for you, for everyone else). people are not always wolves in sheep's clothing, but rather, they are USUALLY sheep in wolves' clothing, you just have to look a little harder.

I do not always make the best decisions, but I know what I'm doing and I know what I can and can't handle. I am at a good position in life right now, and it isn't fair for others to bring me down because of their own negative feelings. I'm willing to listen, but I'm not willing to be insulted. I am not a bad person and I am not a bad friend, so to judge me based on one simple thing, and to judge me based on other people who DO NOT DEFINE ME whatsoever, is just a catastrophe waiting to happen.

I always see people in a good light before assuming they are wrong. not just in this situation, but in all the other ones in the past. and this is not a bad thing, because I've been happy for most of my life despite all my hardships, and if I've been happy, then who's to say I'm doing something wrong? I've been happy because I'm an open person with open thoughts and I treat most people with the friendliness that they, as people, deserve.

/rant.
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020. [Feb. 8th, 2011 | 12:51 am]
[place |the little fort that we built.]
[music |trying to please ya, cuz being in love with your ass ain't cheap.]

things that have happened since last time:
01. partying every night (sleeping a lot less).
02. made 10+ friends in the past week (outside of school).
03. made 10+ friends in the past week (film students).
04. currently have a love life (if you want to call it that, cough).
05. living a life like in Skins (minus the drugs).
06. doing lots of film work (8 classes total).
07. lots of drama (but nothing I can't handle).
08. have a crush on a boy (not the same as #4).
09. been the love guru (why do girls bother over-analyzing?).
10. been doing well in school (hahahaha suckers!).

among other things (:
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019. [Jan. 26th, 2011 | 10:50 am]
[place |baby, in your arms.]
[music |my hands are on the handlebars and I'm standing by.]

01. school is lovely, and I've been out with my friends for the majority of every day. I've seen almost every single person I know in this city, and completely by accident! including Chief Pikachu, who is supposed to be going to school elsewhere, but just so happened to be spotted by me on MY campus!! hahahaha so if I guess I didn't have to wait til Fanime to see him again.

02. people with drama are interesting but need to pick up their shit!

03. I'm just trying to be friendly and make things normal again, so how about you put in the effort and just be nice? there are no ulterior motives here yknow, just trying to make friends! no need to be so reluctant >______>

04. once upon a time there was a douchebag who could not keep his hands (or face) to himself. and then a fair maiden (meaning myself, who is not fair and hardly a maiden) never called him back, for obvious reasons. and then he stalked her in lecture halls and text messages and phone calls. and then winter break happened. and then the maiden thought she had escape but ALAS, he had FOLLOWED HER TO THE CLASS WITH ONLY 20 PEOPLE IN IT WITH A REQUIREMENT TO INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER EVERY DAY and it was so not okay for him to sit beside her like a creep. so it was a happily never after. the end (of my life).

05. kitties are wrestling, US Skins is a drag, been running lots and now I'm tinier than usual, and just in time for this year's cosplay! which involves wearing not a lot of clothes hahahaha. finished 2 anime series and almost done with this 1 manga. every class with Tom and/or Richard, my love life is swell, and I am also the love guru/tutor/jedi aka the Jiminy Cricket of relationships (apparently).

and that is really all that is happening with life. (and by "all" I don't actually mean "all", but really "all I am telling the internet". obvs.)
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018. [Jan. 12th, 2011 | 10:13 pm]
some people are just so rude for no reason. why do you even add/follow me online if you're just going to insult me constantly? I honestly don't see the point, you're just wasting both of our time. and shouldn't you try to get along with me, considering the situation?

I'm allowed to say whatever I want and find beauty in whatever I want. I'm allowed to like certain things and discuss certain things and joke about certain things and bla bla bla. you, however, do not need to provide negative commentary just because I'm expressing myself. if I'm so annoying to you, just block me or something, don't get up in mah grill!
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017. [Jan. 11th, 2011 | 01:32 am]
[place |under the sheets, over the sheets, in between the sheets?]
[music |I wish that I could drive you in my car to kiss you on the stars.]

staying up late just to watch Black Butler hahahaha. I think I've been deprived from anime for a very very long time (since the end of July, to be precise) because I've been watching nonstop tonight, and there are two other tabs open for manga too. oh and I finally caught up on the Naruto manga after almost 25 weeks of being MIA. I always used to watch anime and tv shows and movie and play games and read books and manga and all that, and I would do it really quickly and get through things so fast that people were like 0______0 but lately I've been picky about what I want to do, and now I feel great because I'm doing everything all at once yet again! among other things obviously, I'm not a shut-in or something, I have a life yknow.

going shopping for a bunch of new running gear when I get back from my trip. excited!! also I just had yet another long skype call with Nicki. without a doubt, she is the person I skype with the most haha and for really long periods of time too. (: also I'm in a really good place right now, and I'm really happy with the way life is going, even though there are still mini-dramas going around the group and that's a drag, but it's nothing to be worried about at least. everyone still loves each other!!

excited about school starting up again (kind of) because all my classes are awesome and I have friends in like, every single one of them, and the subjects are really interesting although the work load will suck for some of them, and I think I'm for sure changing my minor, which will be crazy but this is the perfect time to do it. also I still have to take two finals so I can get credit for those classes I left early. boooooo T______T

anyway this is a long and pointless entry, and it doesn't even talk about any of the stuff that's really going on in my life, which is fine, because anyway I decided a while ago that the Internet doesn't need to know any of the specifics. only the people in my life will know what I'm up to (; it's only fair!
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